What is speaking the truth? Speaking my truth? Speaking your truth? It’s all different. What is true to me may not be true to you. But what matters is that we are true to ourselves. To our true, authentic selves.
I was out the other night, for drinks and really wanted to go dancing. Once I got out though, I started to get this anxiety. I saw different people, some I’m not fond of, and realized that I immediately started hearing voices in my head. Their voices. I was imagining what these people were thinking of me. Whether I was right or wrong, I was imagining them all judging me. I started looking around the room, I started feeling small, like I wanted to hide away. Crawl into a corner. Me! I always seem so calm and confident. I am the one who will go to a bar or restaurant alone to enjoy a meal. I don’t care what people think. WRONG! I realized I was sitting here thinking all these people were judging me in some way. Feeling uncomfortable. Feeling Insecure. I started feeling like I wanted to run and hide. Then I talked to myself. I stopped for a minute and said, “Elissa! What the hell do you care???? Really? What if they do think those things??” I looked around the room again, observing. Changing my thought patterns. I started asking myself these questions, who are these people? How much do they matter to you? What do their opinions matter? Are these people you want to base your self worth on? All of a sudden I felt empowered, for many reasons. First, I just didn’t care. If these people were actually thinking these things of me, the ones I had made up in my head, who cares? They obviously don’t know me. Who were they to judge me? Then I took it a little further and thought, why am I even here? Yes, I came to meet my niece for a bit. Yes, I wanted to hear some good music (old school 80’s and 90’s r&b) but really, are these the people, in this room, that I want to base my worth on? Is this what I want to be doing a week, a month, a year from now? NO!
I looked at my just finished drink. I looked at my tab. I looked at my surroundings and my situation and thought HELL NO! This is NOT where I want to be. This is not how I want to invest my time, my money, my thoughts, my feelings and my energy. It was like a wake up call.
Now don’t get me wrong, there were people in the room that I like. People that are very nice, that were just out with a group of friends. Overall, I do enjoy to go out and dance. I love going out with my girlfriends and shaking it on the dance floor. But, in the grand scheme of things, I want so much more out of life! I could be spending my time and money so much better. I could be home in bed all cuddled up with…my journal. Lol Honestly, this is where I would rather be. In fact, that’s what I came home and did. Here is a glimpse of what I wrote:
Sometimes we need reminders of where we don’t want to be. Where we came from. To let people think what they want to. Stop caring WTF people think! Today is my day to say I’m done! Done with small minds and simple living. Done with not knowing my worth. With placing my worth in someone else’s hands. Done with focusing on a number. A scale. Who the F cares?? These people are not important in the grand scheme of things. Not worth energy or thoughts. I have so much more to worry about. To focus on. Put my energy into. I can’t be bothered with pettiness. I want so much more in life. I need to focus on what I want and need in my life. I have been so blessed already.
I realized that I want to do something with my life. I don’t want to live the day to day, ho hum, everyday 9-5 life. I want to live! I need to make a plan to get out! I need to do something meaningful in this life. Put my time, money and energy into what I love. Into writing, into people, into making a difference. I need to stop focusing on losing weight. Stop focusing on my weight at all and focus on DOING something! Who cares what I weigh? Move more. Eat Healthy. Do things you love! Dance, Sing, Write, LIVE!! Let go of the made up critical voices in our heads telling us we aren’t worthy.
I only share this because I KNOW I am not alone. I know there are plenty of people, (I’m guessing everyone of you has had this experience) with the voices in your head feeding you negative thoughts. STOP! Take back your power! Know your worth! Start putting your time and energy into you and what you love. Don’t worry about anyone else. Just be true to you.
PHOTO CREDIT: I do not own the rights to this photo it was found on the internet