Adventures of the Traveling Grief Case

The Grief Before The Grief

The other day I was texting with a friend. She recently found out her dad has cancer. Again.

“I’m scared to go out because I think what if something bad happens while I’m gone! I know I sound nutty” she texted me.

“Not at all!” I reassured her.

Anticipatory Grief

It made me think back to when my dad was in hospice. Every time I would leave, I would worry it would be the last time. Even before that I had an anxiety in knowing that his time was limited.

The thing is my dad had slowly been changing already. Dad had dementia with Lewy bodies. Lewy Body dementia is similar to Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. It definitely affected his memory. I remember having conversations about places he was familiar with, and he wouldn’t be able to place them. He kept asking me to draw a map one day of where something was. Another issue he had was with motor skills.

Don’t Tell Mom

My dad had played guitar. He explained to me one day how he couldn’t change his guitar strings anymore. He said his brain knew how, but his hands wouldn’t cooperate. However, it didn’t stop him from buying guitar strings. He asked me to bring him to the music store one day so he could buy some strings. He said, “Don’t tell your mom. She shops all the time.” I found out later that he had strings and picks all over the house.

When someone is diagnosed with a terminal disease or even something like Lewy Body Dementia, Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s, it can be scary. Watching them change from the person they once were can be difficult. We often start to grieve before they are even gone. This is called anticipatory grief. It’s normal.

I didn’t even know this term before, but I felt it. I think when something feels out of our control, like the thought of losing a loved one, we grasp for something we can control. Maybe that’s why dad liked to buy strings and picks for his guitar.

What You Can Do

But there are plenty of things we can do while they are still here. We can spend time with them or talk to friends about how we are feeling. We can also write. You don’t have to be Shakespeare to put your thoughts and feelings on paper.

In fact, in the midst of anticipatory grief, you can write them letters while they are still here. Tell them all the beautiful memories you have of them. Write about why you’re thankful for them. You don’t even have to wait. Do it today for someone you love.

Have you ever received a letter or text from someone who made your day? It doesn’t have to be much. Just a simple I love you or thank you for being there for me can make someone’s day. Well, what are you waiting for?