March 7th, 2019
Dear Dad,
I’m starting to see what you like about these books. The beautiful poetic descriptions. The common piece of the wide-open lands. The cowboys, the horses, the quiet and peace and beauty.
Reading the descriptions makes me want to write.
I want a small house with a deck and a backyard to sit on at night. Something with a pond of water in the backyard. Even just a small yard all my own. I want to write like in these books.
Learn to describe beauty with my words.
Maybe take a class.
Tonight, I’m tired. I need to sleep. I just had to tell you that. Love you always.
Love,
Elissa
Rewriting The Story
I often mention Sunday mornings were spent with Dad. Back then, I was reading about 100 books a year. I got a little obsessed with reading.
One Sunday morning, I decided to make a list in my phone’s notepad of some of dad’s favorite books. Lonesome Dove, The Brave Cowboy, and there was one other I can’t remember now.
I do know that I looked them all up after he passed away. One was extremely long and did not interest me at all, but I did read the first two. I figure two out of three ain’t bad.
To be honest, I’m surprised I made it through the Brave Cowboy because at one point I wasn’t sure I would!
I can tell you this much, it was nice to find that list after he passed away. It gave me something to look forward to. Another way to try and connect.
Then again, it became a bit frustrating because I had questions after I had finished them. I wanted to discuss the books with him.
I couldn’t figure out why he loved this book about a man riding on a horse through a whole book. And, (Spoiler alert), the man ends up dying at the end of the book.
To be honest, it felt kind of depressing.
What was the point of this book? Why did my father love it?
I had to draw my own conclusions to these questions. I wouldn’t be able to ask him.
But, it also helped me think about how he loved horses and the peace and serenity of imagining someone riding out into the sunset on a horse.
It helped me create a story in my head of his passing.
Not sure if you’ve heard the story before, but they say when a loved one dies, imagine it like a ship. We stand on the shore watching them leave, yet there is someone on the other side, the other shore, waiting to greet them.
Reading this book helped me to imagine that for my father. While we stood here, watching him ride off into the sunset, what if all his passed over family members were standing just over the horizon, waiting to greet him?
Creating this story in my head brought me peace. I pictured Johnny Cash, his siblings, his parents, all standing there greeting him.
Have you ever done something like this? Thought about a happy ending for your loved one? We all have our faiths and beliefs in what may happen after we leave this earth, even if you believe nothing happens.
Do our loved one’s care what we think? I’d say most likely no. They aren’t grieving anymore. It’s us. We are left with this sorrow and sadness of missing them.
So, what if, we create our own stories? What if we imagine them living their best lives? Pain free. Happy. Peaceful.
What if this is the answer to helping transmute some of that pain into joy, if only for a moment.
All I can say is that it helped me.
Let me know what has helped you? Have you created a story that brings some kind of peace?
If you are struggling with grief, here are some resources I found online that may be helpful.
Adventures of the Traveling Grief Case 
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