White Washed World

image

So I went to the bookstore after work today to kill some time before picking up my son from work.  I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular but the more I walked around browsing, the more I started thinking of books I wanted to check out.  So I was looking in religion and philosophy,  trying to find some books on spirituality.   I asked the woman if she had any books on Native American spirituality and she said that religion, philosophy and self help were all in the same section grouped together.   She said diet and yoga books were next to it as well. I advised her I was no longer allowed to buy diet books because it was my new year’s resolution.
I continued looking around and thought about checking out history, so I asked the young man if he could point me in the direction of the history books.  He guided me over and asked if I was looking for anything particular.   I quickly browsed the wall to see the faces of Trump, Washington  (not Denzel), and Truman.  “Yes!” I replied, “Could you tell me if you have any NON-WHITE history books?” “Uhhhh. Hmmmm…” he said as he looked over the shelves.  “It’s interesting isn’t it?” I said to him, “I bet you don’t get asked that question too often, do you?” Especially by a white lady I thought in my head.  He found about 2 books and 1 on Native American once I specified that I was looking for that.  I walked around a bit more and was able to find a table with several books on black history or by black authors but I’m guessing that is because it is February.
It really made me realize what a white world we live in.  I’m bringing attention to this because it’s something I didn’t notice that much until I read India Arie’s essays about skin bleaching allegations.   Obviously this is something people of color deal with all the time, but as a white woman I never realized it.  It has never been intentional,  and trust me I have a rainbow of friends, but I was oblivious.

I’m bringing it up because I feel it’s important.  It’s important that people not be ignorant.  It’s important people take the time to look at the world through another view, not just the white world view.  I’m saying this so that people will take the time to step into another’s shoes.  Realize this is just one of the examples of white privilege.
I’m curious as to what people think of this.  We need to talk about race and racism in America and not be blind.  It still exists.  Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away so let’s talk about it.  With respect,  with love and with open minds.  Please share your comment below.

Advertisements

Bailamos!

Bailamos!  Or as we say in english, let’s dance (we dance)!   I don’t know about you but I love to dance!  Sure, sometimes I may be a wall flower or you can find me chair dancing, but put on the right song and forget it, you will have to drag me OFF the dance floor.

This week I have been obsessed with Bachata.  For those of you who don’t know, bachata is a latin dance style which originated in the Dominican Republic.  If you have never seen it you can check it out here.    There are several musical artists who are popular for their bachata music, especially Romeo Santos and Prince Royce.

image

So, you may be wondering why I know about bachata.  Well, I first learned the basics of bachata a few years back in my (Puerto Rican) friend Dawn’s living room.  It was just another friday night of us gals hanging out bored and she decided to throw on the music and show us how it’s done.  I have since practiced here and there with various friends on different occassions, but it wasn’t until my son got into it that I really became interested in the music.

I was driving my son home from work one night when he said, “Hey!  You gotta listen to this”, and put on some music.  What blew me away was when he started singing along with these songs AND he knew all the lyrics!  So how is this?  Well, my son is in his 4th year of honors Spanish but, his girlfriend is Bolivian.  They have been dating for over 2 years now, so he is around her family a lot which means he can pretty much understand Spanish fluently and they listen to a lot of Spanish/Latin American music.  I love watching him sing and dance to the music and I love that he has learned so much about the Bolivian culture, .  In fact, I love learning all about other cultures and making friends around the globe.

image

I love the sound of bachata and have several favorites that my son has introduced me to.  I have been trying to learn the lyrics to many of the songs but so far the only one I have down is Promise by Romeo Santos and Usher .  It’s half in Spanish and half in english and I can actually sing both parts (and know what I’m singing!).  Some of my other favorites are Odio by Romeo Santos featuring Drake,  Te Extrano (I Miss You) by Extreme,  Solo por un Beso by Aventura, Tengo Un Amor (I Have a Love) by Toby Love and one of my favorites Corazon Sin Cara (Heart without a Face) by Prince Royce.  Most of these songs have such sweet and romantic lyrics that sound even more beautiful in Spanish to me. But don’t be fooled, not all of these songs are about love! I should have known by the title Propuesta Indecente, or Indecent Proposal, this was not a love song, it just sounded so romantic until I read the lyrics.
Regardless of the scandelous lyrics, it’s still a favorite of mine.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not fluent in Spanish, but I did take 4 years of it in high school and I remember enough.  When it comes to bachata I have the basic dance steps down and I will admit that if you ever snuck in my house on a Saturday morning you may find me dancing to it while I clean.

image

So next week I may be back listening to India Arie or some R&B, but for this week I am on my bachata kick.  I wake up with songs in my head and can’t sing all the words but the music plays away.  One of these days I will learn all the lyrics to my favorites but for now I will just hum along and move my hips bachata style.

Introvert, Extrovert or Ambivert

IMG_4146

So I have recently been questioning just which one I am.  Introvert, Extrovert or Ambivert.  Now if you have known me as an adult you would probably say that I’m an Extrovert.  I am a social butterfly, always ready to talk to strangers, will go out and sit at a bar all by myself for dinner, and over all I just love meeting new and different people.  Now, if you knew me as a child you may say I was an Introvert.  I was pretty shy and quiet.  Although I was a talker, I was a big scaredy cat.  In kindergarten, I would go to the nurse’s office on a regular basis, sick to my stomach, but  I came to realize later it was just nerves.  I was the kid who would go to sleep over a friend’s for the night and once it was time to go to bed, I suddenly fell ill and needed mom to come pick me up.  I know if you didn’t know me then, you would never believe it.  Actually, I’m still this way.  If something bothers me or I’m afraid, I will get sick to my stomach.  I’m still somewhat of a scaredy cat.

So then I got to thinking, maybe I’m both.  Maybe I’m an ambivert.  So thanks to google I found this article on the Huffington Post telling me Yes, It’s Possible To Be Both An Introvert And An Extravert.  So I thought I would check it out.  According to this article it says, “Being an introvert or extravert isn’t just a question of how friendly or social you are. According to the “arousal model,” it’s more a matter of how stimulated you are, particularly in the neuron-dense neocortex of the brain, which acts as the center for higher mental functions such as spatial reasoning, conscious thought, language and sensory perception.”  I started thinking about this.  I do like to be social, however, big crowds like concerts, sports events and loud places do often drain me.  I need a good balance of social and quiet.  I need to recharge from time to time.  So I read a little further to discover the article then describes this “Ambiverts, by definition, are right in between the two when it comes to arousal — either because they go back and forth between being over and under the optimal level of arousal, or because they’re usually in the middle at a comfortable level of arousal — so they’re generally comfortable with a balance of both calmer and more stimulating experiences.”  Which totally makes sense.  Upon googling some more info I found one of those online quizes to tell me exactly which one I am.  The results are in and it says…I’m an introvert.  You can check them out here:  quiz results.

After all this research, I still haven’t quite decided which one is correct, although it is very interesting.  I guess I really don’t have to label myself as anything and I don’t have to fit every characteristic of any of them.  So, which one are you?  If you would like, take try the quiz here: Quiz

Sources/Links:

Huffington Post:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/24/both-introvert-and-extravert-ambivert_n_6177854.html

The Quiet Revolution Personality Test

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scaredy-cat

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

Photo Credit:  Nigel Fubara of Zoo Media

 

Oops Upside Your Head

 

So I heard this throwback this morning on my way to work.  I really love this song.  I was definitely born 10 years too late.  I love 70’s and 80’s R&B.  I always wished I had a big afro and some funky bell bottoms with funky platform shoes.  I love the funk and soul of that era.

I love the Gap Band.  They have countless good songs like Outstanding, Burn Rubber On Me (Why You Wanna Hurt Me), You Dropped A Bomb On Me, and one of my favorites Yearning For Your Love.

This song makes me think of my son when he was acting up.  You know when you are driving along in the car and your kid says something smart?  I used to tell him I was going to give him and “Oops upside the head” and sing this to him.  An “Oops upside the head” is when he is in the passenger’s seat and you every so lovingly just reach over and give him a little smack in the back of the head.  Nothing too rough.  No, it’s not child abuse, it’s just a little reminder.  A good way to say, “Hey!  Who do you think you are?” or “Excuse me?  Who do you think you’re talking to?”  That’s what I like to call it, an “Oops upside your head.” LOL

Well, if nothing else, I gave him a good appreciation of the Gap Band!

 

Cooking and Grandma Vichy

image
Francis Gafford aka Grandma Vichy

So today I got a text from a friend of mine saying, “Soooo…no blogs? Lol”  My response was, “No.  Sorry.  You were expecting one?  Do I usually blog every weekend?”  “I think so” she says.  I had to go back through my posts and see the last time I posted something which was Thursday morning I think.  I have been meaning to blog.  I’ve been wanting to, but I have a life too.  I actually left my house this weekend.  I also did some house cleaning and cooking.  I don’t seem to cook as much now that I started writing.  Which saves some money because of the fact that I don’t really know how to cook for two people, more like twenty two! 
The not cooking will surprise some that know me well.  I am always inventing new recipes or trying to copycat ones I have tried at a restaurant.  I’m usually baking up something from scratch or rolling wontons for soup.  Making dough for homemade pizzas or vats of rice and beans for my son and his friends.  I once had a friend of his ask why I always had rice and beans in the fridge when he came over.  “Because it’s cheap and feeds lots of teenage boys,” I told him.  In fact, I’m kind of known around town for making rice and beans.  Besides my son’s friends, many of my friends will request I make my rice and beans for get together’s and I’ve been known to make some of the best rice and beans late night, after the bar closes.  I’m good for having a couple of drinks and inviting the whole bar to my house for the after party.  I’m not sure if it’s the southern blood in my veins, but I just love to feed and cook for people. 
Cooking rice and beans makes me think of my Grandma Vichy (pronounced Veechie).  Francis was her name and she loved my rice and beans or as she sometimes called it “rice and peas”.
Back when my son was just a baby, she came to stay with us for a bit.  She was on oxygen then and had bad emphysema and I believe she had COPD, too.  She couldn’t get too far without taking a break.  I remember watching her go up a set of four stairs one time and she had to take a break after just two.  I know she had been a smoker in her younger days and she loved her whiskey, too.  My favorite was the story my mother told me about how as a little girl, her job was to hide the booze and cigarettes when the Mormons came to the house.  My grandmother was Mormon and would often tell me all about Joseph Smith, which my mother was never happy about because she was raising us Baptist.  I guess she was worried Grandma would successfully convert me but I always thought it was good to learn about all religions, then I could decide why I believed what I chose to believe. Many times when I think about Grandma Vichy, I think about how proud she would be with my cooking skills these days.  Mostly at the fact I have learned how to cook from scratch and waste less.  Grandma Vichy had lived through the Great Depression which explains why she had this need to save everything.  In fact most of it was rolled up in napkins, stuffed into plastic bags and pinned inside her bra!  If she wanted to give you some money she would reach into her bra and pull out treasures unknown!  Just thinking about it makes me laugh now, but it was just normal to me as a kid. 
The one time I will never forget, was the time I was cooking beef stew while Grandma was staying  with us.  It was my first time and I was probably about 20, my son was a baby and was sleeping upstairs.  I remember browning the meat in a cast iron pan and tossing it into a pot.  I was following the recipe directions as I had never made it before and wanted it to be just right.  I went upstairs to check on my son and when I came back down Grandma was in the kitchen.  She had added some water to the cast iron pan and was scraping all the flavor out to add to the soup.  I remember being so annoyed that she had messed with my cooking (I’m still that way in the kitchen) but I couldn’t say anything.  She was my Grandma, I could not disrespect her.  So I walked away, tried to stay calm and take a minute.  She said she was just trying to help and I of course continued to act like there was nothing wrong.  She was grandma, what could I say?  The stew cooked for a while and I checked on my son again.  I can still hear her voice and that strong southern accent when she apologized to me, “I’m sawry Lissa Beth.  I didn’t mean ta mess with yer stew.  I didn’t want it ta go ta waste.”  I remember feeling awful, I didn’t mean for her to feel bad.  She was just trying to help.  I didn’t want her to know I was upset.  It wasn’t until years later that I would wish she was still around to teach me some of her tricks and techniques on cooking.  It wasn’t until now that I really wish I had asked her more questions about the great depression, about all the history she had lived through. 
Growing up, Grandma lived between RI, FL and GA so we often wrote letters back and forth.  From time to time I will go back and read her old letters to me.  Like messages from heaven, I can hear her voice clearly saying, “I luuuuv you, Lissa!” In that southern twang, “and tell mama I luv n miss her too!”  I would be so excited to get that envelope in the mail and often times would open it up to find a single stick of Freedent gum enclosed.  It was one of those quirky things only Grandma did, kind of like the treasures in her bra.  So maybe I make rice and beans because it’s cheap and resourceful like my Grandma taught me.  Maybe I enjoy cooking and feeding people because it’s in my blood and it’s in my southern roots.  But maybe I just make them, because deep down, they make me think of Grandma and the times I used to cook for her.

Prince’s Ea’s Video about Labels

So a friend of mine, Wendy of Wendy Jane’s Soul Shake, posted this video on Facebook last night.  I am already a fan of Prince Ea, but I was yet to see this video.

Prince Ea is a rapper/spoken word type artist.  I love his videos because they are very thought provoking and inspiring.  He started the  “Make ‘SMART’ Cool” movement and you can find more info on him here or you can just watch the video below and decide for yourself.

I really enjoyed this video.  I hope you do as well.  Feel free to comment below or share with others.  Thanks for checking this out!

 

 

It’s ok to Cry

We all have those days.  Those days we feel like we have failed.  Those days we want to sit in a corner and hide.  Or crawl back into bed, pull the covers over our heads and shut out the rest of the world.  Why is it we are so hard on ourselves, yet so kind to others.  Why do we not give ourselves more credit?  If only we could look at ourselves through other people’s eyes.  If only we would treat ourselves, the way we treat others.

Encouraging ourselves.  Telling ourselves, “hey!  It’s ok.  You can’t do everything in one day.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are human!  You are not a machine.  You are not a droid or a clone.  You make mistakes.”  In fact, that is how you learn better!  If we could take the time each day, to find one thing we love about ourselves.  Be proud of what we have accomplished.  

I feel like lately I have had lots of conversations with people who are feeling down.  Having moments they want to cry.  Moments they don’t want to get out of bed or just moments of struggle.  Guess, what?  What if I told you we ALL have these moments?  Yes, even I do!

For those people who know me, who have known me throughout the years either in person or through social media, what if I told you a secret.  What if I told you that I have had these moments.

Yes, I may post statuses on facebook about how my teenager is driving me mad.  How my car was broken down.  How I didn’t want to work in insurance anymore.  But that’s not all.  There are things that I have not shared.  Moments that maybe no one even knows about.  Today, I need to share these moments.  

As a single mom, yes I have complained from time to time about not having money.  I may have felt bad for myself.  But what if I told you there were nights I cried?  Times that I felt sad and lonely.  Times that I cried in bed alone and had pity parties.  Nights I wondered why was I alone.  Nights I felt unworthy of pretty much anything and everything.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I was supposed to be a strong, independent, single woman.  I felt I couldn’t show anyone this side.  I couldn’t show anyone my vulnerability.  I would fight to hide that and get up and put a smile on my face.  I would walk around confident in public because that is what a strong, independent single mother does.

Over the past few months I have really been working through some things.  Dealing with the fact that I am sensitive.  Thinking about the fact that I try to be tough.  That is, until I realized who I was fighting.  It was me!  I was fighting myself!  I wasn’t fighting anyone else but me.  I finally realized that it’s ok to be vulnerable.  It’s ok to feel!  It’s ok to ask for help, to accept help, to feel emotions.  It’s ok to be me.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not strong and independent.  I have proven that for years.  But sometimes being strong means asking for and accepting help.  Sometimes being strong is being vulnerable.  Having the strength to ask for help.  The strength to accept help and the strength to cry, but then get up, wipe your tears and keep going.  

I am not writing this for pity, but for encouragement.  To remind all these strong independent, single women out there to know it’s ok to be vulnerable.  It’s ok to ask for help.  And it’s ok to cry.

 

This is a song by India Arie that always encourages and remind me that I can do anything when I believe in myself.  If you are having a rough day, go ahead and take a listen.

 

 

Knowing Your Worth

image

What is speaking the truth?  Speaking my truth?  Speaking your truth? It’s all different.  What is true to me may not be true to you.  But what matters is that we are true to ourselves.  To our true, authentic selves. 
I was out the other night, for drinks and really wanted to go dancing.  Once I got out though, I started to get this anxiety.  I saw different people, some I’m not fond of, and realized that I immediately started hearing voices in my head.  Their voices.  I was imagining what these people were thinking of me.  Whether I was right or wrong, I was imagining them all judging me.  I started looking around the room, I started feeling small, like I wanted to hide away.  Crawl into a corner.  Me!  I always seem so calm and confident.  I am the one who will go to a bar or restaurant alone to enjoy a meal.  I don’t care what people think.  WRONG!  I realized I was sitting here thinking all these people were judging me in some way.  Feeling uncomfortable.  Feeling Insecure.  I started feeling like I wanted to run and hide. Then I talked to myself.  I stopped for a minute and said, “Elissa!  What the hell do you care???? Really?  What if they do think those things??”  I looked around the room again, observing.  Changing my thought patterns.  I started asking myself these questions, who are these people?  How much do they matter to you?  What do their opinions matter? Are these people you want to base your self worth on?  All of a sudden I felt empowered,  for many reasons.  First, I just didn’t care.  If these people were actually thinking these things of me, the ones I had made up in my head, who cares?  They obviously don’t know me.  Who were they to judge me? Then I took it a little further and thought, why am I even here? Yes, I came to meet my niece for a bit.  Yes, I wanted to hear some good music (old school 80’s and 90’s r&b) but really, are these the people, in this room, that I want to base my worth on?  Is this what I want to be doing a week, a month, a year from now?  NO! 
I looked at my just finished drink.  I looked at my tab.  I looked at my surroundings and my situation and thought HELL NO!  This is NOT where I want to be.  This is not how I want to invest my time, my money, my thoughts, my feelings and my energy.  It was like a wake up call.
Now don’t get me wrong, there were people in the room that I like.  People that are very nice, that were just out with a group of friends.  Overall, I do enjoy to go out and dance.  I love going out with my girlfriends and shaking it on the dance floor.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I want so much more out of life!  I could be spending my time and money so much better.  I could be home in bed all cuddled up with…my journal. Lol  Honestly, this is where I would rather be.  In fact, that’s what I came home and did.  Here is a glimpse of what I wrote:

Sometimes we need reminders of where we don’t want to be.  Where we came from.  To let people think what they want to.  Stop caring WTF people think!  Today is my day to say I’m done!  Done with small minds and simple living.  Done with not knowing my worth.  With placing my worth in someone else’s hands.  Done with focusing on a number.  A scale.  Who the F cares??  These people are not important in the grand scheme of things.  Not worth energy or thoughts.  I have so much more to worry about.  To focus on.  Put my energy into.  I can’t be bothered with pettiness.  I want so much more in life.  I need to focus on what I want and need in my life.  I have been so blessed already.  

I realized that I want to do something with my life.  I don’t want to live the day to day, ho hum, everyday 9-5 life.  I want to live!  I need to make a plan to get out!  I need to do something meaningful in this life. Put my time, money and energy into what I love.  Into writing, into people, into making a difference.   I need to stop focusing on losing weight.  Stop focusing on my weight at all and focus on DOING something!  Who cares what I weigh? Move more.  Eat Healthy.  Do things you love!  Dance, Sing, Write, LIVE!!  Let go of the made up critical voices in our heads telling us we aren’t worthy.
I only share this because I KNOW I am not alone.  I know there are plenty of people, (I’m guessing everyone of you has had this experience) with the voices in your head feeding you negative thoughts.  STOP!  Take back your power!  Know your worth!  Start putting your time and energy into you and what you love.  Don’t worry about anyone else.  Just be true to you.  

PHOTO CREDIT:  I do not own the rights to this photo it was found on the internet

Blogging, biking and balance

image

So here I am. At the gym.  Really don’t want to be, but since I’m on week 3 of the new year, I know I need to.  I started to fall off a bit.  Most likely it was because I am that “all or nothing” gal.  I get all Gung ho and burn myself right out.  Sometimes I forget to balance things out.  That is what I really need to work on.  So many things I want to start doing so I try to do them all.  Here is a summary of my workouts so far.

Week 1 – I exercised 7 days (gym or walked)
Week 2 – I was at the gym 4 days
Week 3 – I was at the gym 2 days out of 4

All weekend I felt exhausted and lazy.  I also feel like I’m coming down with a cold. I’m pretty sure that it’s because I haven’t been drinking enough water.  I’ve been eating healthy and I’m down 5 lbs so far.  I even had my first skinny day.  You know those days when you just feel skinny, even if you don’t look any more skinny than you were the day before?  Yet when you over do it or try to do everything at once it can sometimes backfire.
Story of my life.  Almost 38 and I’ve still yet to learn balance.  Some lady actually caught me journaling in the sauna this weekend  *embarrassing*. She said it was great that I could do that. I told her I think it’s because sometimes I don’t know how to slow down.  I’m always trying to multitask. I literally have to tell myself it’s OK to do nothing.  I find myself trying to fit everything in.  I mean even now I’m on the elliptical typing this. Obviously I’m not moving too fast but I’m moving.   As an Aries, I often forget that sometimes slow and steady wins the race.  I have to remind myself to breathe, to close my eyes, slow down my mind and feel life.  Stop wishing it away.  Stop plowing through.   It’s actually like the exercise.    Did you know that you actually burn fat at a slower level than cardio? While cardio is good for your heart, the rate your body burns fat is actually slower.  Even your body needs to slow down to get ahead sometimes.   Some days your body needs rest.  Time to heal.  Time to take a deep breath and get it together so you can move ahead.
I can hear the spin class going on next door. Last week I completed a spin class for the first time in years.  Spinning is no joke.  I have a love hate relationship with it but I think I did it as more of a challenge to myself.  To prove to myself I could do it.  I did.  It was definitely not fun at first but then you challenge yourself to push through.   It felt good to know I could do it.  This week, however, I’m lucky I even got here.  I really only came for the sauna.  And right now I’m only on the bike so I can finish this blog.
Now that I look back at the fact that I have made it to the gym two out of four days, that pretty darn good.  I’ll take 50%.
Over all it has been a good week, and hey, I made it! Maybe my body starting to feel sick is a reminder to slow down.  I’m in this for the long haul.  Stop rushing and enjoy the moment.

*photo credit – I do not own rights to photo it was found on the Internet

My Son, My World (anxieties of a mother)

image

One month from today my son turns 18. (Less now as I meant to post this the 14th)  This may be the most difficult year yet.  One minute I find myself in tears, grieving that his childhood is over.  My baby will be a young man.  The next minute I’m ready to kill him because I have asked him 5 times this week to take out the Christmas tree!  Oh yes, Mr. Independant, when he wants to be.  I can do it myself since he was 2.  Actually he was only 18 months when he learned to work the VCR because he would repeatedly watch the Lion King.  Of course he ignores my texts when I ask if his school work is done, have college apps been completed and did you make it to school on time this morning?  If I need to know something there is always a delay or pause in texting, but as soon as he wants something it’s the 70 thousand texts in a row followed up by a “????” text if i have not responded promptly enough.
Oh yes, it’s a fine line between teenage boy and young man.
image

Wanting to do it all is great until it means they have to put down the video game controls and make themselves something to eat.  Fend for themselves through the kitchen and the diet consists of waffles out of the freezer or tortilla chips with a little cheese on top tossed in the microwave for 30 seconds.  Yes, its the that will hold me over til mom gets home and cooks meal.   I know it doesn’t help that I spoil my only child.  And yes, I’m a sucker.  My baby boy.  There is no such thing as mac and cheese in a box in this house, only from scratch for my Pooky bear.  He’s lucky I love to cook and feed people.  I will admit I spoil him.  He is my only one and for the last about to be 18 years he has been my world.  I mean I wasn’t much older than him when I had him.  I have dedicated the better part of my life to rasing him, protecting him, and providing for him.
image

Maybe that is why my anxiety about him turning 18 is starting to kick in.  Maybe I’m scared he’s going to be all grown up and not need mommy anymore, but I know that’s not true.  He’s not going to turn 18 and walk out the door forever.  Maybe I’m scared that I have to get a life of my own.  I have been saying that for years and now it’s starting to happen.  I mean it has slowly happened, but as a parent, you never quite let go.  I know my parents still check in on me.  Maybe I’m scared of letting go.  The idea that he’s going to be able to make all these big decisions on his own.  That I’m going to have to let him.  I don’t doubt he’s fully capable of many decisions he will make.  In fact, he’s very capable of many things.  He is a very smart, confident, young man.   Not perfect, (but pretty damn close), and handsome. image

Whenever we have discussions, he always impresses me with his response.  He always has logical answers.  He is kind and compassionate.  I know he has well thought out decision making skills even when I think he is slacking.  He’s also pretty good at a little BS now and then too.
No, it isn’t that I don’t have faith in him making it.  Do I have fears?  YES!  I’m a parent, I can think up every imaginable, conveluded, crazy, psychotic scenario in my mind that could happen.  But maybe, I’m more scared for me.  Maybe it’s my fears of what will I do without him?  Yes, I know, I have so many dreams I have put on hold.  Yes, everyone says enjoy it because time flies by so fast.  Well guess what?  Those people are so right!  It’s like one day you are complaining about sports practices and band concerts and all of a sudden it’s like his whole childhood has flashed before my eyes.  Like you’re watching a movie.  Like all of a sudden you really understand what Jim Croce meant when he sang If I could save time in a bottleIt’s the strangest feeling.  So many mixed emotions.  Proud of the young man he is becoming yet sad and nostalgic, mourning for the boy he was.
I was texting with my best friend of about 30 years the other day, trying to explain my anxieties. It was interesting to know that she had been feeling similar because her baby is about to be 1 and she doesn’t plan to have anymore.  She shared a quote with me that helps her feel a little better.

image

http://savvysavingcouple.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/back-cover-of-If-I-Could-Keep-You-little.jpg

Turns out it’s a book for parents. (And kids I guess) I’m really hoping this will get easier once his birthday comes.  I have spoken to a few friend of mine, so I know I’m not alone.  Several moms who have already experienced this have forewarned me of graduation and events to come.  They have also volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on or to lend an ear.  I know there are many more experiencing it right along with me.
image

As I write this, I received a text that the christmas tree has finally been taken out and the dishes put away.  I won’t bore you with the details of how the xbox cord was confiscated some where in between and I snuck off to the gym for some me time.  As my heart teeters from irritablitly to love and back again.
No, I’m really not worried about what he will do with his life or who he will be, because whatever he does, he will be great at it.  I know I will be fine as I let him grow into the man he is becoming, and I may even enjoy my new found freedom.  I know we will both be okay.  He will still want me to cook him a grilled cheese (or 3) because, “it just tastes so much better when you make it mom!”  (I told you he can BS)  He will still kiss me on the cheek when we part ways and tell me he loves me everytime we hang up the phone.  He will still be my spoiled mamas boy, my pooky bear, and my world.
image