My Truth

Do you ever find something you wrote a long time ago and amaze yourself with how smart you were?  Sometimes I think we need to remind ourselves how much we really know.  Many times we know the answers to the questions we are asking but ignore them because they aren’t the answers we want. 

Truth. Honesty.  It’s amazing how speaking the truth does so much for one’s well being.  Being honest with yourself.  That is the key.  Why do we lie to ourselves?  Sometimes we are even afraid of our own truth.  Amazing.  Once we begin being truly honest with ourselves can we open up and allow the truth to flow around us.

Trust not just in other people but in ourselves!  That is the real truth.  Knowing ourselves and what we want.
Taking ego and fear out of the outcome.  Speaking your truth just frees you.  No matter the outcome, once you are sure within yourself, other people’s response will not matter.  You will simply feel free because you are confident in yourself.

I read this and thought to myself, wow! I wrote that??  I wish I had taken my own advice months ago when I shared my first blog post.  The one that was posted on Wendy Jane’s Soul Shake.  The one that I was terrified to post because even though it was speaking my truth, it was also sharing a piece of me.  It was very personal because ultimately I would realize it was my way of working out who I am on paper.  It was really me pouring out pieces of my heart and soul onto paper. 
I was so scared to share it because I was worried what people would think of me.  I still get nervous when I share it, that it will be read wrong or offend someone, but I know that it is written in love.  It came from my heart, my thoughts and my feelings.
So here is my personal essay on Why I Love Black Culture.  Love it or hate it, it is my truth. Here is my personal essay…

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Just Me —– by Elissa Butson

When I think back and try to figure out where my love and interest for black culture came from, I still can’t pinpoint it. I can remember being in Evan’s
market with my mom and my baby doll and hearing a little girl say, “mom why does she have a black doll?” I was so upset by the comment. Why would she say that? I remember feeling embarrassed, like I was the one who had done something wrong. At the same time, I felt confused. I couldn’t understand why it was a big deal.

Continue reading “My Truth”

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Knowing Your Worth

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What is speaking the truth?  Speaking my truth?  Speaking your truth? It’s all different.  What is true to me may not be true to you.  But what matters is that we are true to ourselves.  To our true, authentic selves. 
I was out the other night, for drinks and really wanted to go dancing.  Once I got out though, I started to get this anxiety.  I saw different people, some I’m not fond of, and realized that I immediately started hearing voices in my head.  Their voices.  I was imagining what these people were thinking of me.  Whether I was right or wrong, I was imagining them all judging me.  I started looking around the room, I started feeling small, like I wanted to hide away.  Crawl into a corner.  Me!  I always seem so calm and confident.  I am the one who will go to a bar or restaurant alone to enjoy a meal.  I don’t care what people think.  WRONG!  I realized I was sitting here thinking all these people were judging me in some way.  Feeling uncomfortable.  Feeling Insecure.  I started feeling like I wanted to run and hide. Then I talked to myself.  I stopped for a minute and said, “Elissa!  What the hell do you care???? Really?  What if they do think those things??”  I looked around the room again, observing.  Changing my thought patterns.  I started asking myself these questions, who are these people?  How much do they matter to you?  What do their opinions matter? Are these people you want to base your self worth on?  All of a sudden I felt empowered,  for many reasons.  First, I just didn’t care.  If these people were actually thinking these things of me, the ones I had made up in my head, who cares?  They obviously don’t know me.  Who were they to judge me? Then I took it a little further and thought, why am I even here? Yes, I came to meet my niece for a bit.  Yes, I wanted to hear some good music (old school 80’s and 90’s r&b) but really, are these the people, in this room, that I want to base my worth on?  Is this what I want to be doing a week, a month, a year from now?  NO! 
I looked at my just finished drink.  I looked at my tab.  I looked at my surroundings and my situation and thought HELL NO!  This is NOT where I want to be.  This is not how I want to invest my time, my money, my thoughts, my feelings and my energy.  It was like a wake up call.
Now don’t get me wrong, there were people in the room that I like.  People that are very nice, that were just out with a group of friends.  Overall, I do enjoy to go out and dance.  I love going out with my girlfriends and shaking it on the dance floor.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I want so much more out of life!  I could be spending my time and money so much better.  I could be home in bed all cuddled up with…my journal. Lol  Honestly, this is where I would rather be.  In fact, that’s what I came home and did.  Here is a glimpse of what I wrote:

Sometimes we need reminders of where we don’t want to be.  Where we came from.  To let people think what they want to.  Stop caring WTF people think!  Today is my day to say I’m done!  Done with small minds and simple living.  Done with not knowing my worth.  With placing my worth in someone else’s hands.  Done with focusing on a number.  A scale.  Who the F cares??  These people are not important in the grand scheme of things.  Not worth energy or thoughts.  I have so much more to worry about.  To focus on.  Put my energy into.  I can’t be bothered with pettiness.  I want so much more in life.  I need to focus on what I want and need in my life.  I have been so blessed already.  

I realized that I want to do something with my life.  I don’t want to live the day to day, ho hum, everyday 9-5 life.  I want to live!  I need to make a plan to get out!  I need to do something meaningful in this life. Put my time, money and energy into what I love.  Into writing, into people, into making a difference.   I need to stop focusing on losing weight.  Stop focusing on my weight at all and focus on DOING something!  Who cares what I weigh? Move more.  Eat Healthy.  Do things you love!  Dance, Sing, Write, LIVE!!  Let go of the made up critical voices in our heads telling us we aren’t worthy.
I only share this because I KNOW I am not alone.  I know there are plenty of people, (I’m guessing everyone of you has had this experience) with the voices in your head feeding you negative thoughts.  STOP!  Take back your power!  Know your worth!  Start putting your time and energy into you and what you love.  Don’t worry about anyone else.  Just be true to you.  

PHOTO CREDIT:  I do not own the rights to this photo it was found on the internet

Attitude of Gratitude

wp-1451537647407.jpegThese days we live in a world where every time you turn on the tv someone is trying to sell you something to fix your flaw.  Weight loss products, hair color, hide the back fat, whiten your teeth, stuff these pads in your pants to give you a big butt!  We can all find something we would like to fix or change about ourselves, but did you ever stop and think that maybe the one thing that bothers you most, is the one thing that makes you, well, YOU!  It sets you aside, makes you authentic.  What if God said, “I’ll give her a crooked smile” or “I’ll give him a gapped tooth.”  What if that birthmark was God’s final touch to make you unique?  My cousin and I were talking about Jennifer Grey’s nose job.  (She was the lead in the movie Dirty Dancing, pre nose job and played in Sex in the City post nose job)  We were saying how much different she look afterwards and my cousin said she looked better.  “I don’t know,” I replied, “she just looked so different.  What if that was what made her, her?  What if God cried a little that day because he had made her just right and she went and changed it?”  I still don’t look at her the same.  Her nose does not make her who she is but she just looks so different to me.
We all have that one thing that bothers us.  We all have that one thing that makes us self conscious.  For me it is my weight.  I have struggled off and on with my weight over the years.  I have done Atkins, Weight Watchers, you name it, I have tried it and I have succeeded many times.  Here’s the thing, even when I have gotten to the weight I thought I wanted to be, I wanted to lose more!  I still found something I wanted to change about myself!  Here’s the other thing, my weight does not define who I am!  I am still the same person no matter what.  My friends and family love me regardless.  Now, this is not a pity party in anyway, I actually have a point to make.
Recently I have been reading and seeing a lot about the power of positive thinking.  Oprah has had different shows and speakers on the Law of Attraction and the science of positive thinking.  Whether you agree with these theories or you believe in reaping what you sow, once you begin to be grateful for what you have, your perspective will change.  For example, I struggle with my weight and wanting to lose weight, but if I look at some of my skinny friends, they have struggled to gain weight.  When I look at others who have health issues and illness, I can be thankful for my health.  I can spend my day complaining about my job or I can be grateful that I have a job.  With 2015 coming to an end, I want to start my new year out right.  So, I have begun to start each morning by getting up a few minutes early to be grateful.  To take a few minutes and write down what I am thankful for.  What I love.  They say attitude is everything and I am finding that this helps to put me in a good mood for the day.  Throughout the day when people irritate me or things go wrong I try to step back and look at my issue from a different perspective.
With 2016 around the corner, I want to take the focus out of the flaws. Too often we focus on the wrong flaws!  We watch the news and see all the real world problems going on.  We have flaws in the government, flaws in the justice system, flaws in equality.  Here we are feeding into our own superficial flaws.  I’m tired of feeding the negativity.  I want feed the world with love and positivity.  I plan to try out something I heard about.  Pick a person each day and send them an email, a text, a card or a letter telling them why you love them or what you admire about them.  You can even just let them know you are thankful for them.  Encourage others to do so.  You will be surprised to know that it not only makes the other person feel good, but being grateful can make you feel good as well.  Let’s see if we can cause ripples of love throughout the nation.  Let’s look at our flaws from a different perspective.  One of love, acceptance and thankfulness. Let’s be grateful.

Self Love

I am loving me
All that I am
All I have been
All I will be
For if i don’t love me
how will others know
how to love me
How will they learn
to respect my boundaries
if i do not show them
where the lines are drawn
If I do not love me
how will I appreciate
when someone tells me
I am beautiful
If I can not see for myself
Loving my imperfections and flaws
Loving my truth
My heart
All that is within me
For there is no other like me.
Only one was made
I am the original
Authentic
Far from perfect
Unique
Maybe my hips are bigger than hers
My eyes are bluer than his
A little shorter than this one
A little thicker than that one
Quick to anger at times
Bothered by petty noises
But this is certain
I am like no other
With a big heart
Sharp mind
Loving soul
I can look past the surface imperfections
knowing deep down the beauty of my soul
out shines
any of these flaws
And if you can not do the same
there is no place
reserved for you
In my world