So last week I was inspired to write a post Loving Me which was a love letter to myself. In fact, it encouraged several other bloggers to do the same and I hope it continues to spread. A couple days later I found some old emails to myself and shared them in A Little More Love (cause you really can’t have too much).
So, as I continued to go through some old journals, I stumbled across this letter I wrote. If you have been reading, you know that I talked about how I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. It wasn’t for me. There is a song by Anthony Hamilton called Dear Life and one of the lines says,
” Ooooh sometimes I go on through life
Thinking that love is something that’s
Not meant for me.”
I remember listening to the song after a break up one night and crying, not even because of that person, but because of the fact that the lyrics described exactly how I felt. Today I found this letter and was encouraged to share it with my readers.
For so long I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. I kept thinking, oh, make them run. I will only hurt you. You will fall in love and I will break your heart because that’s what I do. I will bend over backwards. I will be and do and say everything you want and you will love me. A black widow, I will then tire of you, push you away, gasping for air and needing room to breathe. You will grasp on tighter and I will turn. I will freeze over like the ice queen and you will cry and beg for the person you first met. You will clutch on, cling and it will feed my ego for a short time, but then I will grow bored of you. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I will be thrilled with the idea of love. The idea of saving or fixing you. A love of nurturing you. But you cannot fill my needs and once I realize this I will let go. Maybe I was settling. Maybe I was looking for the wrong things. I no longer see this. I no longer feel the need to impress. I am me. I am loving. I am nurturing. I’m an amazing woman. I no longer feel the need to prove myself. No longer need your acceptance. I need to be more than what you need me to be. I need to be free. I need adventure. Room to grow, to feel, to love, to explore, to breathe and to fly. In time and in space. To change. To nurture me. But thank you all for the journey. For the lessons along the way. To teach me who I really am. A warrior woman with strength. I finally realized I am too strong and you never could have battled me.
I continue to write my letters, to encourage myself of the need to let go of perfection. Because I am slowly realizing my biggest flaw is nothing more than trying to be perfect.