Getting out of my own way

For most of my life weight has been an issue for me.  I’ve had ups and downs.  The last time I remember being really happy with my body was when I started running.  I had just quit smoking for the first time. (yes, I had slip ups and have quit more than once.)  Lately I started asking myself what happened to that me? The one I used to love.  What happened to the runner?  What did I do? Why did I stop taking care of my body?  I guess the first issue was when I ended up with an injury.  I had a hard time getting back into running after that.  My mind kept telling me to nurse my injury.  Fear took over and told me I couldn’t do it anymore.  Things changed over the years.  I started learning to love myself, for more than my physical appearance.  Yet every year at my physical the issue of weight would come up and I would leave the doctor’s office in tears!
So I started delving deeper, trying to figure out what the real “issue” surrounding my weight was.  Maybe I needed to meditate on it.  To stop dieting.  Stop obsessing and weighing myself every day.  (Sometimes several times a day)  Then I just left it alone.  After so many different times of trying and not seeing the scale change much more than a pound or two I left it alone.  I would walk or do some stretching hereand there.  My mind told me, it doesn’t matter what I do.  I’m just stuck.  I would eat healthy, I would write down everything I ate, count calories.  What was it?  Eventually I left it alone.  I gave up. 
So this past week I decided to pick up a cleansing kit at Trader Joe’s for the New Year.  It’s nothing extreme, just some supplements to take but you eat healthy and of course lots of water.  I noticed lately my body and mind have been craving gym time.  I keep having these thoughts about how good I would feel after working out.  Yet I continued to come home from work and make dinner or sit down.  I continued to make plans to do things, make plans to write and just plain make excuses!  Yesterday morning I woke up to a new year and thought I should weigh myself.  I started this cleanse and I need a starting weight to see what it does to my body.  I pulled the scale out from it’s hiding place, dusted it off and placed it on the floor.  I did a double take.  What did that say??? Ten pounds heavier than I expected.  I have never weighed this much in my life!  I knew I felt it.  Especially after the holidays.  That is when it hit me.  I MUST do something!  No, my weight does not define who I am.  People will love me for who I am regardless, and if they don’t, I don’t need those people in my life.  I must do something for me.  For my health.   My mental, physical and emotional health.  I must get out of my own damn way.  I must start being who I who I want to be.  Not trying to find the healthy woman I was a few years back.  Not just trying to find the woman who loved getting up early to run.  Yes, I want that body again, but I am no longer that woman.  I have changed.  I have learned and grown and become an even better version of myself.  I need to get out of my own damn way because I am the only one preventing me from being the me I want and need to be!  My weight doesn’t define me, but feeling comfortable in my own skin makes a difference.  Feeling confident in myself makes a difference.  THIS is why I need to do something about it.  For me!  For my strength.  My confidence.  My health.  I need to do something not because I need others to love my body but so that I can start loving and taking care of my body.  I need this because at the end of the day I want to feel good!  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I want to be the best me. 
So watch out 2016 because THIS WILL BE MY BEST YEAR YET! This will be my best me.  I am ready to get out of my own way.  I am ready to really love me!

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