Sometimes you have to let it all go.
Sometimes you have to continue letting go. It doesn’t happen all at once.
Little by little.
It gets easier.
It starts to feel lighter.
You learn how to keep going.
You learn not to look back,
Not to look too far ahead.
Plant your feet on the ground.
Take time to feel the breeze on your skin,
The sun on your face,
The sand between your toes.
You take a moment to listen to life,
but most of all
So you thought you felt as i did
Looking for something
You thought you may have found it
Then it seemed to disappear
And fade away
You learned you were wrong
You made a mistake
Everything you thought you’d found
Turned out to be a mirage
Nothing but a mere illusion
What had seemed so real
Was gone in a flash
What if you were wrong?
What if you ARE wrong?
What if none of it mattered?
What if you were wrong about knowing?
Maybe sometimes you just don’t know
What you think you know
Maybe sometimes the way you think things should happen, don’t happen that way at all
What if it takes more than just a moment
To really find the truth
What if it takes time
To really know
What if you never know?
What if it takes change
To really find what you thought you had lost
What if you thought you lost something
Only to realize it was really there all along
That it just wasn’t where you thought it was
Was right in front of your face but you weren’t really ready to see it?
Not at that time
Just what if
None of that mattered
What if you were right where you were supposed to be
What if you weren’t supposed to know
What if you were supposed to learn
Live and love and change
Never really knowing all the answers
Just taking it all in
Being content in the moment
Realizing that even if you don’t know the why of the why
Knowing that everything happens for a reason and accepting the unknown
My heart feels heavy lately. Like I’m on the verge of tears one minute and angry the next. The continuous posts on Facebook and social media of Donald Trump. The fact that I have friends and family that are posting racist and hateful posts. Trying to stay open minded and let people have their opinions, but I just can’t justify the fact that people think that Trump is qualified or educated enough to run this country. I just saddens me that people I love can feel the way they feel. Can think it’s ok to judge people for the color of their skin and the way they look. This issue is bigger than Trump or any political candidate for that matter. It’s the fact that it is tearing apart this country.
I have started deleting people and taking them out of my feed because even though I can love people, I can’t agree with them or their views. To me some things are not funny but hurtful. I just can’t take any more hate. I feel like it is literally breaking my heart little by little.
I want to believe in love. I want to believe there is still good in this world. I want to believe that love can overpower fear and hate and violence. I want to believe that love wins. Love always wins.
For years I had been friends with Christopher Johnson on Facebook. It wasn’t until this past fall I actually had a chance to get together and speak with him in person. I had checked out some of his performances on youtube that he had posted and I really enjoyed his poetry and spoken word. “I want to pick your brain one day,” was the email I sent him. A month or so later we met for coffee to discuss writing and I checked out a couple of his shows over the months to come. Right around the time I met him, he told me he may be writing a play based on Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (not to be confused with The Invisible Man, totally different). I never read the book Invisible Man, but According to this article and advertisement at Broadway.com it was “Inspired by Ralph Ellison’s masterpiece novel Invisible Man, Invisible UpSouth aims to challenge the way traditional theater-going audiences think about race and humanity and how they move through the world; how one can be well-educated and still blind to the world around them.”1. I know it was written in the 50’s and addresses the issue of feeling invisible in society as a black man. Christopher had taken this play and rewritten it into a present day black man in Providence RI, along with the assistance of Vatic Kuumba.
I knew I had to catch this show Sunday because it was closing day and I had promised I would show my support, plus, I really wanted to see this show! Now, I’ve seen a few of Christopher’s shows before and I know that this man has a way with words, but I was in no way prepared for this experience. Continue reading “Invisible Upsouth”→
So last week I was inspired to write a post Loving Me which was a love letter to myself. In fact, it encouraged several other bloggers to do the same and I hope it continues to spread. A couple days later I found some old emails to myself and shared them in A Little More Love (cause you really can’t have too much).
So, as I continued to go through some old journals, I stumbled across this letter I wrote. If you have been reading, you know that I talked about how I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. It wasn’t for me. There is a song by Anthony Hamilton called Dear Life and one of the lines says,
” Ooooh sometimes I go on through life Thinking that love is something that’s Not meant for me.”
I remember listening to the song after a break up one night and crying, not even because of that person, but because of the fact that the lyrics described exactly how I felt. Today I found this letter and was encouraged to share it with my readers.
For so long I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. I kept thinking, oh, make them run. I will only hurt you. You will fall in love and I will break your heart because that’s what I do. I will bend over backwards. I will be and do and say everything you want and you will love me. A black widow, I will then tire of you, push you away, gasping for air and needing room to breathe. You will grasp on tighter and I will turn. I will freeze over like the ice queen and you will cry and beg for the person you first met. You will clutch on, cling and it will feed my ego for a short time, but then I will grow bored of you. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I will be thrilled with the idea of love. The idea of saving or fixing you. A love of nurturing you. But you cannot fill my needs and once I realize this I will let go. Maybe I was settling. Maybe I was looking for the wrong things. I no longer see this. I no longer feel the need to impress. I am me. I am loving. I am nurturing. I’m an amazing woman. I no longer feel the need to prove myself. No longer need your acceptance. I need to be more than what you need me to be. I need to be free. I need adventure. Room to grow, to feel, to love, to explore, to breathe and to fly. In time and in space. To change. To nurture me. But thank you all for the journey. For the lessons along the way. To teach me who I really am. A warrior woman with strength. I finally realized I am too strong and you never could have battled me.
I continue to write my letters, to encourage myself of the need to let go of perfection. Because I am slowly realizing my biggest flaw is nothing more than trying to be perfect.
Some days when I want to write something and save it for later I will email myself. Last night I was going through my email folders, because yes, my email is pretty organized. My house could be a mess if you walked in, but not my email. I have folders that are all labeled. I have one marked writing and another free writing but I had forgotten about the one marked personal.
“Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything you are.”
It prompted me to write myself a letter on why I love me. I decided to share it and maybe encourage others to do the same.
Physically, I love my eyes, my nose, my smile. I love the shape of my body, regardless of the weight I am at, all my curves in all of the right places. I love my hands and my feet and toes. I love my “perfect” legs (as my gram used to call them). I love my hips and the way they move to the rhythm of good music.
Mentally, I love my brain, the way I think, the way I see things and try to see things from different angles, different points of view. I love the way my thoughts flow onto paper. That I can wrote in a poetic way. The way I day dream and close my eyes to see pictures. My analytical self, my mathematical self and my realistic self. But I also love my day dreamy, creative self.
I love my heart, that I can see and find the good in people. I love that I am trusting, that I give people a chance. Yes I may have been taken advantage of before but I have learned to let that go. It doesn’t mean that I do it again or continue to trust them. It means that I forgive and move on. I realize that the people who try to hurt me with their lies and manipulation are truly the ones hurting. I am learning to love my vulnerability. I was so scared to show it for so long but now I am embracing it, along with my sensitivity. These are the things that make me who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else.
I am proud of who I am. A loving mother, sister, daughter, friend, cousin. Not perfect but perfectly flawed and made into the woman I am today. Yes I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been hurt, lied to and taken advantage of. But overall, I am loved by many and the ones that are still around are the ones that matter. The rest have lived through their reason, their season and have made me stronger. Yes I am woman….RAWR!!! and I love me!
Since I started writing more I have been cooking less. Well this weekend I was in party mode. I’m usually very social and even through the winter I will have dinner parties and get togethers. I haven’t done much of anything but hibernate since the holidays ended. This weekend I planned a family get together to celebrate my son’s birthday, plus my great niece will be 5 this coming week so I figured why not have cake for both birthdays.
I love my family. Sure, they can drive me crazy but I love them anyways. Family are the ones who really know you, like every side of you. Angry, sad, happy, silly, they see it all! I have been blessed to live close to my family my whole life. In fact, sometimes too close, as we all shared a duplex for a few years. But since separating off on our own ways, I began to miss them. I especially miss my nephew who recently moved to Texas with his dad. And even more recently, like the past two weeks, my sister moved out to Colorado. So our family events have been shrinking and it’s made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have a close family.
My parents were blessed to have three beautiful daughters, or as we like to call ourselves, Charlie’s Angels, because my dad is Charles. They also have 5 gorgeous grandchildren and 2 adorable great grandchildren.
I spent a good portion of my weekend cleaning and preparing for the party. I was in cooking mode once again. My niece requested butter finger cheesecake bars and of course she knew I couldn’t say no. Plus I wanted to make cupcakes, although 3 dozen may have been a bit much for only 12 of us including the kids, but like I said I was in cooking mode!
There had to be pink because, like most 5 year old girls, that is Ny’s (my great niece) favorite color! And even though my son is now 18, he is secure enough in his manhood as to not discriminate nor be intimidated by pink cupcakes with sprinkles. Don’t forget, he’s a Valentine’s baby!
I also made a spinach pie and a couple of pizzas from scratch, including my son’s favorite buffalo chicken pizza. Yes, I make my own pizza dough. Bacon wrapped chicken bites were another favorite appetizer and I threw together a cilantro slaw because we needed something healthy to balance out the sugar fest!
The party was to start at 3pm, but like any other event my family has, no one showed up until about 4pm, including my son. A friend of mine came with his wife and their son, who happened to have his 2nd birthday this past week as well, so we celebrated 3 Aquarian birthdays. My son’s girlfriend also came to the party and as you can see by the photos, everyone enjoyed the cupcakes!
I got my cooking fix in and now I’m ready for a cleanse, or at least some light healthy eating this week. Although, the one thing about cooking is that you often aren’t as hungry once you finish making the food. However, I definitely snuck in a taste or two while frosting cupcakes and slicing dessert bars. My body is definitely feeling like it’s time for some serious veggies!
Over all it was great to spend an afternoon celebrating birthdays and just being with family.