Lately I have been feeling drained. Do you ever have those times when your phone rings or a text comes through and you look at is and your mind automatically says, “I can’t. I just can’t today.” I don’t know if it’s too much screen time or burnout or what, but lately my mind keeps saying that. It’s like it’s on repeat. I have been needing extra ME time. Extra quiet time. It’s like I want to reach out to all these friends and people that are on my mind, but I can’t. I was sitting and reflecting on this the other day. I was asking myself, what is really going on? Am I depressed? Nope. My mind is thinking, I finally have more free time and me time than I have ever had and yet all I want to do is be alone. I’m not sad at all. I feel like my brain just needs some time to recover. From what exactly, I’m not sure. I started feeling like I’m being selfish. Feeling like there are so many people I should reach out to and check on but I can’t. I just don’t have the mental and emotional energy for it.
Then I started thinking about how I have been raised and conditioned to “be nice” and “put others first.” And yes, I understand, it’s great to think of others. I love my friends and being there for them, but some days I can’t. And that’s ok too!! I was so independent as a single mom who hated asking for help for so long that I never did. I gave and gave and gave. Of my love. Of my energy. Of my time. Of my emotions. What if now is my time? My time to receive and take a reprieve. So I did something different. I started telling myself it’s OK! I don’t have to be there for everyone else. They can call me selfish or be mad but it’s time for me. To give all that love to me. To give all that energy to me. I’m starting to look at the phone or messages and realizing they can wait. I don’t have to do anything and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. My only job is to take care of ME. To give myself the time and energy and love I have poured into others back into me! This is my time to receive all that I have put out there.
I am reminding myself that those who truly love me will understand and those who don’t can move on. I can’t be responsible for how they receive my messages. I can’t be responsible for anyone but me.
It’s hard in a world where we are conditioned to put everything else first. Our jobs, our families, our friends. Oftentimes people look down on you if you take time for yourself or call you selfish for putting yourself first. Not today people. Not today! And guess what, probably not tomorrow either.
Am I having a midlife crisis? Maybe. Am I having a nervous breakdown? Possibly. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m taking control of the one thing I can. My time. My energy. My health. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And guess what? I’m not apologizing anymore!
Maybe it’s something that comes with age or maybe it comes with burn out. Maybe it comes from this past year and really prioritizing what is important for me.
I know it sounds cliche, but we truly do get one life and it’s short , so why live it for anyone but yourself? YOLO!!
So I’m taking time to do all the things that fill my cup! Taking time to read and get lost in a book. Taking time to write down my soul. Taking time to sit and walk and be present in nature. To quiet my mind and just be.
I hope you are taking time each day for you and all the things that fill you up and replenish your soul. Because life’s too short to live on anyone else’s terms.
What are you doing for you today?