America is being torn apart and it’s bigger than polictics…

My heart feels heavy lately.  Like I’m on the verge of tears one minute and angry the next.  The continuous posts on Facebook and social media of Donald Trump.  The fact that I have friends and family that are posting racist and hateful posts. Trying to stay open minded and let people have their opinions, but I just can’t justify the fact that people think that Trump is qualified or educated enough to run this country.  I just saddens me that people I love can feel the way they feel.  Can think it’s ok to judge people for the color of their skin and the way they look.  This issue is bigger than Trump or any political candidate for that matter.  It’s the fact that it is tearing apart this country.

I have started deleting people and taking them out of my feed because even though I can love people, I can’t agree with them or their views.  To me some things are not funny but hurtful.  I just can’t take any more hate.  I feel like it is literally breaking my heart little by little.

I want to believe in love.  I want to believe there is still good in this world.  I want to believe that love can overpower fear and hate and violence.  I want to believe that love wins.  Love always wins.

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Natural Blessings

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This morning, after dropping off my son around 8 am, instead of going home to clean or go back to bed I decided to head to the beach.  Although it is still chilly, only about 32 degrees this morning,  the sun was shining brightly and the birds were singing.  I pulled into the lot to see a few other cars, but over all it was pretty quiet.  It was definitely not swimming weather yet, not that it will be until around August or September, and depending on your tolerance for cold water, it may never get quite warm enough. 
I have lived here my whole life and seen this beach a million times, but this morning as I pulled in and saw the bright sun shining down, reflecting on the ocean, I felt this true appreciation for the beauty of nature.  People spend millions of dollars on diamonds, furs, and other extravagant things.  They spend countless hours sitting in front of the tv watching reality tv of the Kardashians and other plain, old, (somewhat) normal  people who live these ridiculous lives trying to impress others and make all this money.  I sat watching the waves of the ocean roll along the shore, watching the golden rays of the sun beat down on the tiny flecks of sand, seagulls flying, scavenging and gathering around and thought, all this is free!  Why do people worry about all the useless material wants when nature is right here and free?

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As I sat listening to the water move in and out, the sounds of the ocean and the birds, I could feel this calming peace.  I sat in awe of the beauty of it all.  Appreciating every sound, sight and feeling this beauty of nature brings.  I felt blessed.  I tried to imagine what it would be like for me to not live near the ocean.  I thought about how excited I am for the summer to come.  That first spring day, when even if it is a bit too cold to take off my shoes, I love to walk the beach barefoot, feeling the cold sand between my toes, beneath my soles as it conforms to my footprint, making me feel alive.  The cool, gentle, ocean breeze whisking past my cheeks, breathing it all in.  Anticipating that first dive into the cold, New England ocean that feels so refreshing, cleansing and invigorating.  As the waves crash over my body, washing me anew.  Diving into the waves, fighting against them or other times just riding the wave, going with the flow. 
I used to go to the beach and go swimming, and while I was in the water I would find myself thinking of all the things I needed to do when I left.  Until one day, when I realized i wasn’t enjoying the time I was swimming.  I was never quite enjoying the moment.  Last summer, after a painful, excruciating winter full of snow, a winter I thought would never end, I made a vow.  I made a promise to myself, that I would stop trying to rush through everything and just enjoy the moment.  I told myself I would enjoy the summer and the beach and I would not worry about cleaning or trivial things because I simply had all winter to clean.  So I did.  I spent as much time at the beach swimming, reading, writing, walking and enjoying every golden ray of sun possible.  So much so, that by the time winter came I was actually ready for a break.  It made me realize how much I enjoy the four seasons of the North East.  How my body and mind need the winter break to hibernate, regroup and restore myself. 
The seasons and weather changes here have taught me a lot in the past couple of years.  Most of all they have taught me to live in each moment.  I can worry about the snow, I can prepare for it to a degree, complain about it or I can enjoy being snowed in.  Feeling warm and cozy on my couch, enjoying my hot cup of coffee with my journal and pen.  When summer rolls around again, I can pack up my towel, blanket, sunscreen, books and journal and lie in the beach, soaking up the sun as my body sinks into the sand below.  I can dive into the waves, feeling washed anew, refreshed and alive.  I can stop worrying about what is to come and just simply enjoy the moment I am in, feeling blessed by nature’s simple and peaceful, calming creations.  
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Invisible Upsouth

For years I had been friends with Christopher Johnson on Facebook.  It wasn’t until this past fall I actually had a chance to get together and speak with him in person.  I had checked out some of his performances on youtube that he had posted and I really enjoyed his poetry and spoken word.  “I want to pick your brain one day,” was the email I sent him.  A month or so later we met for coffee to discuss writing and I checked out a couple of his shows over the months to come.  Right around the time I met him, he told me he may be writing a play based on Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man (not to be confused with The Invisible Man, totally different).  I never read the book Invisible Man, but According to this article and advertisement at Broadway.com it was “Inspired by Ralph Ellison’s masterpiece novel Invisible Man, Invisible UpSouth aims to challenge the way traditional theater-going audiences think about race and humanity and how they move through the world; how one can be well-educated and still blind to the world around them.”1.  I know it was written in the 50’s and addresses the issue of feeling invisible in society as a black man.  Christopher had taken this play and rewritten it into a present day black man in Providence RI, along with the assistance of Vatic Kuumba.
I knew I had to catch this show Sunday because it was closing day and I had promised I would show my support, plus, I really wanted to see this show!    Now, I’ve seen a few of Christopher’s shows before and I know that this man has a way with words, but I was in no way prepared for this experience.
Continue reading “Invisible Upsouth”

Warrior Woman

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So last week I was inspired to write a post Loving Me which was a love letter to myself.  In fact, it encouraged several other bloggers to do the same and I hope it continues to spread.  A couple days later I found some old emails to myself and shared them in  A Little More Love (cause you really can’t have too much)
So, as I continued to go through some old journals, I stumbled across this letter I wrote.  If you have been reading,  you know that I talked about how I thought I wasn’t worthy of love.  It wasn’t for me.  There is a song by Anthony Hamilton called Dear Life and one of the lines says,

” Ooooh sometimes I go on through life
Thinking that love is something that’s
Not meant for me.”

I remember listening to the song after a break up one night and crying, not even because of that person, but because of the fact that the lyrics described exactly how I felt.  Today I found this letter and was encouraged to share it with my readers. 

For so long I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. I kept thinking, oh, make them run.  I will only hurt you. You will fall in love and I will break your heart because that’s what I do. I will bend over backwards. I will be and do and say everything you want and you will love me. A black widow,  I will then tire of you, push you away, gasping for air and needing room to breathe. You will grasp on tighter and I will turn.  I will freeze over like the ice queen and you will cry and beg for the person you first met. You will clutch on, cling and it will feed my ego for a short time, but then I will grow bored of you. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I will be thrilled with the idea of love. The idea of saving or fixing you. A love of nurturing you. But you cannot fill my needs and once I realize this I will let go. Maybe I was settling. Maybe I was looking for the wrong things. I no longer see this. I no longer feel the need to impress. I am me. I am loving. I am nurturing. I’m an amazing woman. I no longer feel the need to prove myself. No longer need your acceptance. I need to be more than what you need me to be. I need to be free. I need adventure. Room to grow, to feel, to love, to explore, to breathe and to fly.  In time and in space. To change. To nurture me. But thank you all for the journey. For the lessons along the way. To teach me who I really am. A warrior woman with strength. I finally realized I am too strong and you never could have battled me.

I continue to write my letters, to encourage myself of the need to let go of perfection. Because I am slowly realizing my biggest flaw is nothing more than trying to be perfect.

If Trump is Elected I Will Know the End Times Are Here

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Ok, it’s time to admit I’m a bit nervous.  I said I would never put in writing what I really think of Trump, but…. why on earth would anyone vote for him?? I just can’t hold it in anymore!  I keep hoping it’s all a joke.  I’m praying it’s just a hoax.  Yet, I will say I am thankful I have friends world wide. 
So, should he some how actually win the election I will know that the Bible is most definitely true and the end times are near.  However, my top 3 places to escape to are as follows:

1.  Bristol, England where my best friend Sarah has promised to be getting a room ready for me

2.  Cape Verde, where my co-worker and friend Ana (heeeeeyyyyy girl!  Shout out to you for reading this) has promised I can come to her parents’ place

3.  Peru where my friend Aymar has family,  hopefully I will be accepted to his people in the Andes mountains

If none of those places work I’m hoping  my friend Susana (Heeeeeey! Shout out to you too girl!!) will bring me to Madera, Portugal or Sarah’s family in Brazil will take me in. 

I try very hard to keep an open mind, but, when it comes to Trump supporters, I just can’t see the other side.  I really hate giving him any attention because, seeing he is pretty much the Kanye West of white people when it comes to opening his mouth, I just had to share this video. 

WATCH KIDS REACT TO DONALD TRUMP

These are kids reacting to Trump.  You can’t get more honest or intelligent than kids sometimes.  So fellow bloggers, anyone out there have a place for me to stay outside of the US,  just in case??

Photo credit: I do not own the rights to this photo it was found on the Internet

A Little More Love (cause you really can’t have too much)

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Some days when I want to write something and save it for later I will email myself. Last night I was going through my email folders, because yes, my email is pretty organized. My house could be a mess if you walked in, but not my email. I have folders that are all labeled. I have one marked writing and another free writing but I had forgotten about the one marked personal.

Continue reading “A Little More Love (cause you really can’t have too much)”

My Truth

Do you ever find something you wrote a long time ago and amaze yourself with how smart you were?  Sometimes I think we need to remind ourselves how much we really know.  Many times we know the answers to the questions we are asking but ignore them because they aren’t the answers we want. 

Truth. Honesty.  It’s amazing how speaking the truth does so much for one’s well being.  Being honest with yourself.  That is the key.  Why do we lie to ourselves?  Sometimes we are even afraid of our own truth.  Amazing.  Once we begin being truly honest with ourselves can we open up and allow the truth to flow around us.

Trust not just in other people but in ourselves!  That is the real truth.  Knowing ourselves and what we want.
Taking ego and fear out of the outcome.  Speaking your truth just frees you.  No matter the outcome, once you are sure within yourself, other people’s response will not matter.  You will simply feel free because you are confident in yourself.

I read this and thought to myself, wow! I wrote that??  I wish I had taken my own advice months ago when I shared my first blog post.  The one that was posted on Wendy Jane’s Soul Shake.  The one that I was terrified to post because even though it was speaking my truth, it was also sharing a piece of me.  It was very personal because ultimately I would realize it was my way of working out who I am on paper.  It was really me pouring out pieces of my heart and soul onto paper. 
I was so scared to share it because I was worried what people would think of me.  I still get nervous when I share it, that it will be read wrong or offend someone, but I know that it is written in love.  It came from my heart, my thoughts and my feelings.
So here is my personal essay on Why I Love Black Culture.  Love it or hate it, it is my truth. Here is my personal essay…

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Just Me —– by Elissa Butson

When I think back and try to figure out where my love and interest for black culture came from, I still can’t pinpoint it. I can remember being in Evan’s
market with my mom and my baby doll and hearing a little girl say, “mom why does she have a black doll?” I was so upset by the comment. Why would she say that? I remember feeling embarrassed, like I was the one who had done something wrong. At the same time, I felt confused. I couldn’t understand why it was a big deal.

Continue reading “My Truth”

Loving Me

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This was inspired by a quote that Just Plain ‘Ol Vic posted earlier today. 

“Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything you are.”

It prompted me to write myself a letter on why I love me. I decided to share it and maybe encourage others to do the same.
Physically,  I love my eyes, my nose, my smile.  I love the shape of my body, regardless of the weight I am at, all my curves in all of the right places.  I love my hands and my feet and toes.  I love my “perfect” legs (as my gram used to call them).  I love my hips and the way they move to the rhythm of good music. 
Mentally, I love my brain, the way I think, the way I see things and try to see things from different angles, different points of view.  I love the way my thoughts flow onto paper. That I can wrote in a poetic way.  The way I day dream and close my eyes to see pictures.  My analytical self, my mathematical self and my realistic self.  But I also love my day dreamy, creative self.
I love my heart, that I can see and find the good in people.  I love that I am trusting,  that I give people a chance. Yes I may have been taken advantage of before but I have learned to let that go.  It doesn’t mean that I do it again or continue to trust them.  It means that I forgive and move on.  I realize that the people who try to hurt me with their lies and manipulation are truly the ones hurting.  I am learning to love my vulnerability. I was so scared to show it for so long but now I am embracing it, along with my sensitivity.  These are the things that make me who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else. 
I am proud of who I am. A loving mother, sister, daughter, friend, cousin.  Not perfect but perfectly flawed and made into the woman I am today.  Yes I’ve made mistakes,  I’ve been hurt, lied to and taken advantage of.  But overall, I am loved by many and the ones that are still around are the ones that matter.  The rest have lived through their reason, their season and have made me stronger. 
Yes I am woman….RAWR!!!  and I love me!