Getting out of my own way

For most of my life weight has been an issue for me.  I’ve had ups and downs.  The last time I remember being really happy with my body was when I started running.  I had just quit smoking for the first time. (yes, I had slip ups and have quit more than once.)  Lately I started asking myself what happened to that me? The one I used to love.  What happened to the runner?  What did I do? Why did I stop taking care of my body?  I guess the first issue was when I ended up with an injury.  I had a hard time getting back into running after that.  My mind kept telling me to nurse my injury.  Fear took over and told me I couldn’t do it anymore.  Things changed over the years.  I started learning to love myself, for more than my physical appearance.  Yet every year at my physical the issue of weight would come up and I would leave the doctor’s office in tears!
So I started delving deeper, trying to figure out what the real “issue” surrounding my weight was.  Maybe I needed to meditate on it.  To stop dieting.  Stop obsessing and weighing myself every day.  (Sometimes several times a day)  Then I just left it alone.  After so many different times of trying and not seeing the scale change much more than a pound or two I left it alone.  I would walk or do some stretching hereand there.  My mind told me, it doesn’t matter what I do.  I’m just stuck.  I would eat healthy, I would write down everything I ate, count calories.  What was it?  Eventually I left it alone.  I gave up. 
So this past week I decided to pick up a cleansing kit at Trader Joe’s for the New Year.  It’s nothing extreme, just some supplements to take but you eat healthy and of course lots of water.  I noticed lately my body and mind have been craving gym time.  I keep having these thoughts about how good I would feel after working out.  Yet I continued to come home from work and make dinner or sit down.  I continued to make plans to do things, make plans to write and just plain make excuses!  Yesterday morning I woke up to a new year and thought I should weigh myself.  I started this cleanse and I need a starting weight to see what it does to my body.  I pulled the scale out from it’s hiding place, dusted it off and placed it on the floor.  I did a double take.  What did that say??? Ten pounds heavier than I expected.  I have never weighed this much in my life!  I knew I felt it.  Especially after the holidays.  That is when it hit me.  I MUST do something!  No, my weight does not define who I am.  People will love me for who I am regardless, and if they don’t, I don’t need those people in my life.  I must do something for me.  For my health.   My mental, physical and emotional health.  I must get out of my own damn way.  I must start being who I who I want to be.  Not trying to find the healthy woman I was a few years back.  Not just trying to find the woman who loved getting up early to run.  Yes, I want that body again, but I am no longer that woman.  I have changed.  I have learned and grown and become an even better version of myself.  I need to get out of my own damn way because I am the only one preventing me from being the me I want and need to be!  My weight doesn’t define me, but feeling comfortable in my own skin makes a difference.  Feeling confident in myself makes a difference.  THIS is why I need to do something about it.  For me!  For my strength.  My confidence.  My health.  I need to do something not because I need others to love my body but so that I can start loving and taking care of my body.  I need this because at the end of the day I want to feel good!  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I want to be the best me. 
So watch out 2016 because THIS WILL BE MY BEST YEAR YET! This will be my best me.  I am ready to get out of my own way.  I am ready to really love me!

5 thoughts on “Getting out of my own way

  1. Dear Elissa,

    Hello, there, Elissa! Wow, what a amazingly brilliant and honest blog post article this is of yours, sisterfriend! This is just great and just says it all! I can for sure relate, sister! I have been full-bodied most of my life! I have throughout my life continued to struggle with overeating and with being heavy-set! I am rejuvenated and reinvigorated, being filled with such great inspiration by you and I will also believe in myself and not expect perfection as I learn to take care of my body even more and to love my body and myself even more! I can sure relate to the feelings which you so very graciously and generously shared, Elissa! I, too, have to try to resist the urge to weigh myself multiple times a day-it is so hard to resist that temptation, sister! I have become physically disabled over the years which makes it more difficult to exercise but I am not going to give up, and I am going to keep trying to do what I can with exercise, Elissa! Wow, sister, you have helped me to become even more inspired, sister! Thank-you so! Sister, you, sisterfriend, and your astounding blog are such joys and blessings!

    Peace and Love To You For Always, my sisterfriend Elissa,

    Your black friend and sister For Always, Sherry Gordon in Iowa City, Iowa


  2. And another good one!! I can’t stop reading! Waiting daily to see if I get an email with one of your blogs! You are a good person regardless of your weight, but I completely understand you wanting to do it for you! You got this girl! Here’s to a fabulous New Year!!

    Liked by 1 person

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